A tale of pain, grief and regret.

Dear All,

I am Riya Singh, belonged to the corporate world. Quit my career to take care of my eldest daughter, Neha. That was thirteen years ago. Today I am a proud mom of two children and a full fledged home maker. My youngest son is just three years old . I, like the rest of you was a happy, cheerful and a chatty person. But after the birth of my son, my body started undergoing certain changes, I started being irritable, I had little interest in things, I couldn’t watch action movies, movies with a lot of violence in them, I was worried for no good reason. It took some time for my husband and the doctors to figure out that I was severely depressed due to child birth.Part of my depression was  also stemmed to the fact that I had just lost my brother to cancer.

I and my family dealt with my depression for almost a year. The doctors had advised my husband, to never leave me alone. To spend as much time with me as possible. To keep me occupied. Hence, I joined meditation classes and my husband worked from home almost three days a week. I started taking long walks along with my husband and asked him once “How will it be if I jump from that ten storey building”. He looked at me and said "please do not think of such things,life is beautiful and is worth living". I did not pay heed to his words.

As days passed I became withdrawn, sad, tired, apathetic, anxious and was prone to angry outbursts.I was afraid of my own thoughts.

Finally, One day I got a call from Neha’s school asking me to immediately visit the school. I hurriedly sent my son to school…He was now four years and I gave him his bag and told him…. “Here on you will have to complete this journey of life without me”. My son just smiled at me and left not knowing this will be the last time he will be seeing his mommy. I hurriedly left to Neha’s school.

I was sitting in the Principals chamber and Neha was standing crying beside me. The teachers had caught her smoking in the school grounds. A thirteen year old girl smoking was obviously not appreciated by the school authorities and I was asked to take Neha and leave for the day.

On our way back home, I felt horribly miserable about my little girl smoking and I blamed myself for her upbringing, I was angry, I was deeply hurt and I immediately locked myself up in the room. I didn't feel the need to exist any longer. I felt I have no purpose and no reason to live. I just didn't want to be alive.

Within few minutes I was gone forever, never to return again. I hanged myself .I died quickly without any suffering .

Exactly after half an hour, my death was discovered by my daughter who fainted on the spot. Later the maid informed my husband. My husband was shocked, he went numb for the first few minutes. After which he wept , wept like a baby, screamed my name, asked me ‘why I did, what I did’. He was devastated. He lost a person who he sincerely loved and who was part of his life for past twenty years.

My little son was the only person in the family who was unaware of  the pain and grief my family was going through due to his age. He was immediately sent to his cousins place to keep him away from the family mishap.

Its been a month now since I left the world and Neha still cries herself to sleep, my husband is still under a state of shock. He cries everytime he looks at my photo .He still questions me.

I watched helplessly as my family is mourning my death. They are inconsolable.My family is ruined, all coz of a hasty decision I took. I broke the promise of love which I made years ago, to my husband, I left my children with a scar for life. The question will always haunt them, as to why I left them. I was a failure. I failed as a mom, as a wife, and as a person.

I could have given life another chance and made an earnest effort to overcome my depression. I could have just seen what a beautiful, loving family I had, I could have educated Neha about smoking and its impacts and help her quit smoking. I could have seen what a warm, wonderful  and loving husband I had. It was so simple. All I had to do was try….try for the sake of my husband, for the sake of my children, for the sake of my family. Instead I gave up assuming all my problems will vanish if I leave the world, which I must say is a myth.

To all those people who are planning to end their life. Here is a piece of advise….. “Don’t end it, Life is way too precious and beautiful. All your problems have solutions, and can be solved right here on earth. Death is definitely not a solution. Believe me the grief which you will encounter after your act of cruelty will surpass all the problems and difficulties this world has to offer.”

Remember, death unlike life will never give you another chance.

This comes from a dead person.


Love,
Riya